Geriatric Bond
by LoveTheWizard
Summary: Grandma Mazur decides she's sick of waiting for Ranger and Stephanie to get their acts together.


**Disclaimer: All characters belong to JE, who has my dream job and created my dream man.**

A/N: This one-shot was part of a writing challenge from October 2011. I finally grew a pair and decided to post it. Special thanks go out to VaBabe for taking a chance on a stranger and helping me fine tune this short story and more thanks to the ladies of Trashy Books for coming up with the challenge, giving me your feedback when I first posted and most importantly for your friendship.

**Geriatric Bond**

_I turned the key in the ignition and tried to ignore the fact that my heart was beating double-time. The secret to being a successful bounty hunter is being able to seize the moment, I told myself. Flexibility. Adaptation. Creative thought. All necessary attributes. And it didn't hurt to have balls._

And it didn't matter that I didn't really have balls because I wasn't really a bounty hunter either. I'm pretty sure they have to pass a test, or file a form with the police or something silly that would just waste my time. Like I have all the time in the world? Please.

My name is Edna Mazur and I was on a mission. I sat in the massive powder blue Buick I inherited from my brother, Sandor, trying my best to start it without bringing attention to myself. Technically I didn't have a license, but I used to… for a few hours anyway. Big Blue rumbled to a start and I glanced back to make sure the lights in my daughter and son-in-law's room didn't turn on. When there was no sign of movement (that I could see anyway – it's tough to see in the dark!) I pulled out of the driveway.

I knew I had time on my side. I took a nice long nap in the middle of the day just for the occasion. I even dressed in my sexy new black outfit so I not only blended in with the night, but with those hunks at RangeMan, which, by the way, is where I was going.

When Ranger saw me, he wouldn't know what hit him!

Okay, Edna, focus. You're not going to see Ranger for yourself, you're going for Stephanie. That poor girl doesn't seem to know what to do with a sexy man and if she's not going to make the first move, I will. Talk to Ranger, I mean. That drop dead sexy Cuban man of mystery needs a good kick to the melon to realize he needs to step up to Stephanie and shake her into a relationship. God knows, she's been a real pain in the patoot these last few weeks and I knew just by looking at the bulge in that man's pants that he could put a smile on any woman's face.

If I keep up this train of thought I might have to find that Tank hunk when I'm finished and show him a few moves. Whoops, lost my focus again!

There was just enough clearance over the steering wheel to see the road ahead of me. I pulled on to the street and made my way to Hamilton Avenue. My good friend, Betty Rolando, gave me directions to Ranger's place of business and we took the route yesterday to make sure they were correct so my meeting with him would go smoothly.

I was thankful that traffic was at a minimum at eleven o'clock, though some of the drivers on the road were downright careless. I couldn't believe the number of times one was coming at me head on, beeping their horns madly. "Get to your own side of the street!" I yelled back. Then when they didn't, I had to go to the right hand side of the road and pass them.

I was also thankful for the lack of police officers. I've been told I have a lead foot and the Trenton officers didn't seem to like that much. They can't give me a ticket if I don't have a license anyway, right?

RangeMan was situated on Haywood Street. I parked under a streetlight and sat in the car for a couple of minutes reapplying my new 'red lizard' lipstick in the rearview mirror. Just in case there were any thugs in the area, I had Bernadette (my brand new .45) with me, but it looked like a safe place. I wondered if Ranger's company had anything to do with keeping the riffraff out.

I stood outside the car and smoothed down my black velour track suit, adjusting the purse on my shoulder as I made my way across the street. Excitement, adrenaline and humming 'Eye of the Tiger' helped me get into badass mode during the short walk to the building.

I wouldn't take crap from anybody tonight.

At first glance, you wouldn't know a security company was housed in the unremarkable building. It doesn't even have a sign. Well, okay – technically there's one on the building: a small plaque saying RangeMan. What was with that? If I were Ranger, I'd have a huge neon sign like they do at the strip clubs.

I opened the large glass double doors and walked into a sparsely decorated foyer. I locked eyes with a large man in a black uniform sitting behind a reception desk.

He needed to know I was here on business. I walked over to the desk, took ol' Bernadette out of my bag and laid her on the counter. "I'm here for Ranger."

The man was bald and sported a tattoo of a human skull surrounded by flames right in the middle of his forehead. Ain't that a pip? He looked at the gun then back at me as he crossed his large arms over his massive chest. I thought I'd seen him before, but had trouble placing exactly where.

"Is Ranger expecting you, Ms…?"

"Mazur. Edna Mazur." I said in my best Bond impersonation (Connery, not Moore, obviously). "And no. He's not expecting me."

"You have to call and make an appointment."

This guy looked so familiar; where did I know him from? "See this forty-five here? This is my appointment maker, dear."

He kept his arms crossed and stared unblinkingly at me. That was when I remembered!

"Well I'll be damned! How's your head?" I asked.

His eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. He didn't seem to remember.

"You hit your head when Valerie's water burst all over you! I remember, got a concussion and everything!"

I saw the recognition come into his eyes. "You Stephanie Plum's grandmother?"

"That's right and I'm here to see Ranger."

He uncrossed his arms and picked up the desk phone. I couldn't hear what he said, but he set it down and reached for my gun on the counter, swiftly moving it to another part of the desk – closer to the elevator.

"Well?" I asked.

"Someone will be down in a minute."

I squinted my eyes at the clock behind him, getting myself ready to open up a can of whoop-ass if more than sixty seconds went by. Unfortunately after exactly a minute, Ranger exited the elevators. He didn't say anything to me for a few moments and that was okay. It gave me time to check out his gorgeous features: creamy light brown skin wrapped tightly over hard muscle and he wore his dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. There wasn't much that beat Ranger. His face and body were perfect for the covers of romance novels. Good riddance, Fabio!

He raised an eyebrow in my direction and finally broke his silence (and the sexual tension obviously building up in the room). "Ms. Mazur?"

"Hello, Ranger," I said. "Call me Edna. We need to talk."

He walked over to the man at the desk and took Bernadette, placing it in the waistband of his trousers. I would never wash it again.

"I'm going to need her back," I said, pointing to the gun.

Ranger gave a small nod and motioned for me to follow him into the elevator. He pressed the number five and when the doors reopened a few heads that were peeking out from cubicles turned in our direction, undoubtedly because of my hot track suit. Ranger led me into a conference room with a long table and multiple chairs. I hoped the men in the large room were still watching and liked the view of the track suit from behind where it said the word "Juicy" in rhinestones.

Ranger held a chair out for me to sit, then walked around the table and sat facing me. Perfect for playing footsie, but I wasn't there to stroke his leg with my foot. I hoped I was there to talk him into playing footsie with Stephanie.

He sat down and leaned back, placing his elbows on the arms of his chair, making a steeple with his fingers. I figured he wanted me to start.

"Ranger," I said. "We have a problem."

"We?"

"You," I said, matching his one-word sentences with my own.

We stared at each other for a long moment. His mouthed twitched into a small grin. "What can I do for you, Edna?" He reached into his pocket and placed a cell phone on the table. He checked the screen, pressed a button and placed it back down.

"It's Stephanie," I told him. "And it's you."

"What about us?"

"Us?" I asked. "There is no 'us'. No you and Stephanie. _That's_ the problem."

He pushed his phone to the middle of the table and looked at me.

I felt a little angry. Wasn't he going to reply? You'd think a man who looked at Stephanie the way he did would be a little more interested in the conversation. I hoped it wasn't every day a grandmother took the time to steal the car to come talk to him about her granddaughter. "Ranger, if you are too hard-headed to see that Stephanie is sad and lonely, then maybe I made the wrong decision coming here tonight. I've seen the way you look at her and the way she looks at you. I'm not an idiot, honey, but maybe **you** are if you can't see she has feelings for you."

"Stephanie is with Morelli."

I shook my head. "No-sir-ee, Stephanie is not with Morelli. Stephanie and Joseph broke up a month ago because of her feelings for you! And if she hasn't said anything to you about it, it's because she doesn't want you to turn her down and ruin the friendship."

Ranger looked at me. "They break up all the time."

"They're done," I told him. "Mary Lou Stankovic's grandmother was at the beauty parlor with me today and we discussed the situation. Stephanie told Mary Lou that Joseph asked her to marry him again." I noticed Ranger's fist quickly clench and release at my words, however his face gave nothing away. "Stephanie said no and he gave her one of those ultimatums. He wanted her to commit and she told Mary Lou she couldn't because of you."

His expression never changed. It looked like I had to do the majority of the talking here. Maybe he was intimidated by strong, feisty, beautiful women. I couldn't fault him for that.

"Whether you want to believe it or not, you and Stephanie have more than a friendship and it's about time you owned up and talked about it. I am getting old here and only have, what, thirty years left? That's not a long time. I'd like to see her happy. I'd like to see you happy. And unless you're married, Mr. Ranger, I suggest you get your head out of your heiney and work on something other than… whatever it is you do in this office."

The door to the conference room was wide open. I heard the elevator ding, followed by the sound of Stephanie's frantic voice. I didn't expect her to be here; was she working for Ranger again? At least they'd talk sooner than later, though I was hoping to remain anonymous.

"Where is she?" Stephanie said in an unusually high-pitched tone. Someone must've pointed to the conference room, as she appeared in the doorway a couple seconds later. "GRANDMA!" She held her phone to her ear and her face was extremely pale.

I looked at Ranger. He picked up his phone and pressed a button. I noticed when he did that Stephanie put hers down.

Ranger must've had her on the line the whole time I talked to him!

I decided this was the best time for me to make my exit**. **"I'm done here," I told the two of them. "Have a good night Ranger, Stephanie."

"Edna," Ranger said as I stood up. He handed Bernadette back to me. She was warm. "Cal will drive you home. We'll have your Buick delivered by morning."

Stephanie stood in the doorway, eyes like a deer caught in headlights. I winked at her and walked out.

I met the man with the skull tattoo at the elevator bank and looked back toward the conference room. Ranger and Stephanie stood there, close to each other. I couldn't hear what was being discussed, but when I saw her look toward the floor, my heart sank. Was this all for nothing?

Then Ranger lifted her chin with his pointer finger and kissed her.

Atta boy.

I grabbed Cal's beefy bicep and let him escort me home.

The End

_Thanks for reading!_


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